Sometimes I try to not think of anything and doodle, scribble, or write. It is quite haunting. I try not to define myself by such discoveries. I’m not sure why I was always trying to find a ‘definition’ for myself, maybe to ease my uneasiness of not knowing who I was or what I wanted to be. I think I’ve just about given up in this quest.

Sometimes I’m afraid who might read this, and what they might find out about me, and then I wonder why I write this in the first place. Maybe it’s a subconscious act for my wanting to voice myself and to say how I feel and what I think. Maybe I want to be open and let people know who I am, but who I am scares the shit out of me.

I think that’s what I’m aiming for with my late creativity. A story told with colors, swirls and emotion. No answers, just experience.

I love the dance of the brush on canvas. Smooth. Fluid. Beautiful.

I wish I were paint, longing to be used by the artist. Mixed to desire and formed to perfection. This process is being achieved by my own attempts at mixology and formation. The more I understand, and let go, of my own creativity, the more I loose myself into being myself.

I was once lost and confused while holding all the answers in hand, now that I’ve thrown the book to the wind I can see who I am.

“For the absurd man it is not a matter of explaining and solving, but of experiencing and describing. Everything begins with lucid indifference.” This really seems to wrap up my perception of life as of late. Actually, I’d say it’s how I’ve always been, just confused on what to call it and afraid of the outlash if I had diverged from the conformity. Maybe that explains my recent outburst of creativity. Locked up in a cell eating what I’ve been fed only produces the manufactured. Feasting of my own accord has led me to discover thoughts, actions, desires, passions and creativity I had never known to exist. It seems a slippery slope, judging myself to the type of creativity I let bleed through; I wouldn’t have it any other way.

It’s a strange thing to discover yourself. Especially strange when you discover that there is no definite answer to your own being. It is intoxicating, however; the constant evolution and revelations. It cracks the cement, letting the inner express itself. I await the day it all falls and emits freely.

As a kid I always wanted to be able to fly, as I’m sure many kids did, which I probably have Peter Pan to thank for that. But if I perceive to be flying, through lucid dreaming, is there that much of a difference than if I were to really being flying over some astral plane in a “spiritual” body? Well, certainly, there is a difference, but I will not know until I have achieved such a thing. But I am excited to see how far I can push my creativity, and I feel the best way to test this would to be in a dream state, where I can be safe from harm.

My Mind: Self Portrait

And as I confuse you with my broken thoughts, I confuse myself; somewhere in this tangled mess my passion radiates. This is my crooked path to become more self-aware and less self-conscious.

This is a poem I wrote about ten years ago, when I was 16. Even back then I was curious of our so called “reality”. I didn’t get it at the time of course, those feelings only confused me and I could never understand my own thought process. I had a hard time distinguishing reality from perception. Maybe reality and perception are the same thing. Maybe there is no distinguishing factor. My reality is different than your perception and my perception is different than your reality. I think that’s what intrigues me the most about non representational artwork. You can get lost in it. Not lost and confused, but lost in an encompassing and engrossing way. The way the room and frame melts away and you’re left with only paint, canvas and yourself. There’s no wrong answer. There’s no right answer. There’s no answers at all! Why does there always have to be an answer or a reason? It’s incredibly bizarre, but it makes me feel secure. I find comfort in the unknown. I find comfort in knowing that not all things can be explained. They don’t have to be! Why are we afraid of what we don’t know and doesn’t have a direct impact on us? We won’t cease to exist without answers.

The first project I completed after “Conformity” was “Skyline.” Talk about contrast. I think I was successful in shaking up my creativity, well, at least on the right path towards it. Maybe that’s the significance in “Skyline.” We each have our own paths in life. I’m not talking explicitly spiritual or moral or anything. But, more along the lines of what type of person do you want to be, what are your passions, your love, what do you want to get out of life? Who’s to say who’s right and who’s wrong?

And gathering from “Skyline”, my goal in life is to take some path that leads me through the clouds and begin shattering the entire sky any which way I can.

I was proud of it at the time. I had messed around with creating artwork for awhile, but this was the first time I felt that I had created something that needed interpretation from the viewer. Yes, I know it’s a grouping of 3 buildings.  But, why did I create it? It wasn’t until recently that I stumbled upon it and noticed that I titled it, “Conformity.” And then I realized this was how I viewed the world. Black and white. The gray was to only fill in the gaps. It was as if the walls were so rigid and so perfect that it pleaded to be shattered. But, I first had to shake up and shatter the way I viewed the world before I could shake up my creativity.

A friend reminded me of something I once told her, “Reality is the distortion of mankind.” We spent numerous nights discussing philosophy. We asked each other questions that had no answers. We challenged each other to confront the things we blindly accepted. We ended up getting married. I opened my mind and saw things differently. I finally had a path in life I could sprint down instead of clumsily drag my feet across. I guess you could call it passion. I had never experience it before and it was intoxicating.

My name is Eli and my quest in life is to discover the secrets of the universe, but my only form of communication is creation.