When It’s All Just…
Sometimes I get overwhelmed by ‘things’ that do not exist. Ideas, thoughts, emotions. I stopped writing in this blog for the fear that it’s all just bullshit. I have an extensive and in-depth period of moods that I unwittingly go through. Today the flowers are blooming but tomorrow there is but one thread left to my sanity. More often than not my motivation is fear and anger. It’s all a cycle that I fight against, yet inevitably give into.
Sometimes I try to not think of anything and doodle, scribble, or write. It is quite haunting. I try not to define myself by such discoveries. I’m not sure why I was always trying to find a ‘definition’ for myself, maybe to ease my uneasiness of not knowing who I was or what I wanted to be. I think I’ve just about given up in this quest.
Sometimes I’m afraid who might read this, and what they might find out about me, and then I wonder why I write this in the first place. Maybe it’s a subconscious act for my wanting to voice myself and to say how I feel and what I think. Maybe I want to be open and let people know who I am, but who I am scares the shit out of me.
Filed under: General | 2 Comments
I often refer to this “opening up” process as releasing the bouncy balls from my brain. lol
For several years I’ve been weighed down with thoughts, ideas, and emotions. When I was younger, I tried to talk about all of this, but it would come out wrong or people weren’t receptive. (I was actually told I thought “too much” at one point.) Add in a bad relationship and I began to internalize everything, and my thoughts would turn weeeeird and destructive. It took a few years to work past all of that, but I’ve found myself becoming more open again. I’ve found the right audience and I’ve learned how to wait and really articulate what I’m thinking about or feeling. I still sometimes get a vacant stare, but I know letting that “bouncy ball” thought out makes it a lot less crazy in my head. Most times just releasing the thought helps me put things in perspective. For example, recently I had this doubt in a move I had been planning to make for years. Having the doubt made me really depressed, because I didn’t understand where the doubt was coming from and I felt ashamed for even having the doubt. Because it was something I had been planning for, and because I had talked about it for so long, I was “scared” of some sort of backlash. Once I had the courage to talk about the doubt, the concept of this feared backlash seemed ridiculous, the doubt source was revealed, and the doubt was all but erased after ~48 hours of having this weight lifted off my mind.
I think it’s good to talk things out and I hope you find your audience.
Hey, Nice images! Can I use the green one for the background to my blog?
Let your emotions fuel your art!